Uh, yeah, hi, it’s me again. Everyone’s favourite sand farmer and Cadillac Bill conspiracy theorist… who is legally disallowed from disclosing his name. Not for any shady reason, just because the judge ruled the sound of my name annoyed him so prevented it from ever being uttered again by law… Anyway, I’m back to inform you guys about this novel I’ve been working on!

See, Cadillac Bill Season 5 has been announced, which means more weird, unpredictable bantering and sillyness is on the way, which is a big breakthrough in my conspiracy theories, however I thought I’d take a break from this Cadillac Bill drama that I’ve been wrapped up in in the past, and focus more on achieving my creative potential. So basically I figured I’d do a bit of an everyman story for the book, and I figured- what’s more everyman than fast food?

Unfortunately I didn’t really get any further than that, so I ended up just making the novel about this order of McDonalds that I got. And when I say “about”, I mean that the novel is literally just the list of what I got one time at McDonalds. So here we go! You guys can be my beta readers!

• 1 borngr
• 2 gurgurs
• 1 bingore
• 5 borborns
• 1 large fres
• 3 large frenks with extra shrent and papa
• 1 burngurn…

…ah what’s the use.

ALL YOU GUYS WANNA

HEAR ABOUT IS

CADILLAC BILL, ISN’T IT.

NOBODY ASKS HOW

THE LOWLY SAND

FARMER IS

DOING WITH HIS

MCDONALD’S ORDER!

NOBODY CARES. WHAT  

DO YOU WANT ME TO

SAY. “JUST WHEN YOU  

THOUGHT THIS SHOW  

WAS BEING TAKEN FROM  

THIS PLANET, SEASON 5  

POPS UP!” HUH?! DOES  

THAT SATISFY YOU?

No matter what I try, I can’t escape this curse I’ve wrapped myself up in. You know what lengths I’ve gone to in order to live a normal life again, huh?! I have to break in to any establishment I can find that contains a computer in order to get enough time to use one. I can’t use public computers or my own computer. They can track me if I use a personal computer. They’re always waiting in public libraries, engines thrumming dully from between the shelves, ready to pounce…

Oh no, make no mistakes. Sentient cadillacs are real. And they don’t want season 5 being made, since they take it as defamation.

Just who is Cadillac Bill? What wisdom can be found in his glorious eyes and stunning moustache? What strings is he pulling to be the puppetmaster of this operation? Does the show truly victimise an innocent group of sentient cadillacs, or is he attempting to bring the truth to light and act as an arbiter of justice?!

Or maybe he’s just a random dude making a talk show based in Hamilton examining its weird and wonderful inhabitants, and this bizarre scenario makes no sense, and there aren’t sentient cars chasing me.

Oh man, no. That was terrible. Of course that last theory is the worst out of them. What was I thinking? It makes no sense. I’m getting too caught up in this.

It’s because I’ve spent too much time studying Cadillac Bill and his show on Amazon Prime. My conspirator’s instincts are growing blunt.

Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe this new season is a good thing! Maybe Cadillac Bill bringing out a fifth season to add to the repertoire of comedy and intrigue already present there will help me relax…

Or maybe it’ll keep me in this nightmare of finding the truth as I run forever from the foes dogging my every movement…

The police are here. I must go. Maybe I’ll talk about my McDonald’s receipt stunning new novel next time I can sneak my way onto here to write an article.

Until next time, a disgruntled and exhausted sand farmer.